My Journey of Self-Discovery

If you asked me how my journey inward has been, I would say it’s been hard. The toughest part has been facing myself, unpacking all the defence mechanisms I’d built and breaking down the negative patterns, behaviours, and traits I had developed. It meant confronting past hurts and emotions I’d buried deep. I had to dig deep and ask myself how I show up in situations, how my actions shaped my life, and what I could have done differently if I had been more aware of my own choices.

Making Changes

In 2014, I finally started making real changes to my life. It had taken me two years before that, knowing I needed to change, wanting to, but not following through. The feeling that something wasn’t right had been growing inside me for a while. I wasn’t aligned with who I was, and eventually, it became so loud I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

So, in July 2014, I decided to take a break from drinking (which became a three-year break), I stopped partying, and I began focusing on my career. I thought that would be enough to transform my life. But it didn’t go the way I expected. Instead of feeling better, I started feeling worse. Joy disappeared from my days. My mind raced constantly, and without the distraction of going out and avoiding everything I’d been pushing down, it all rose to the surface.

Trying Hard To Fix Myself

Inwardly, I felt like I was falling apart, even though, on the outside, I was doing well in my career. I was going to a therapist, trying all sorts of healing practices, throwing myself into “fixing” myself, just like I’d once thrown myself into destructive habits. My brother once asked, “Do you think you’re trying too hard to fix yourself?” He was right. I couldn’t just sit with myself; I was always searching for a way out of my feelings. Some of the things I tried helped, but I also overwhelmed myself with constant trying.

I remember going into work saying, “I hate getting up in the morning.” I didn’t realise at the time that waking up dreading the day wasn’t normal. This went on for 2 years before it hit me: I wasn’t just unhappy, I was numb. I didn’t look forward to anything. Even when a friend would say, “You should be proud of yourself,” I couldn’t feel it. I had started my own business, but it didn't feel like I was doing well; it never felt like I was doing enough. I couldn’t see how far I’d come, and I never gave myself praise or credit for the significant life changes and progress I had made.

Emotional Struggles and Disconnect

Then came a period where I cried almost every day, and I had no idea why. My emotions felt overwhelming, yet I also felt disconnected from them. It wasn’t until much later that I began to understand how deep that disconnection went, and how much of it was rooted in how I saw myself.

At one point, a friend said she thought I seemed angry. I was stunned. Anger was an emotion I had never allowed myself to feel. I’d always seen it as something negative, something to avoid. That’s when I realised I was completely disconnected from what I was truly feeling. Because I was really angry, I was angry at a lot of things, and I didn’t even know it.

The Search for Solutions

I kept seeing therapists, working with healers, and doing everything I could to “fix” myself—but emotionally, I was still struggling. Meanwhile, my career kept progressing. I coped by overworking, binge eating, and isolating myself. Being alone became the only place I felt safe. Going out socialising filled me with anxiety, dread and self-consciousness, feelings I hadn’t had since I was much younger. Eventually, I didn’t have the energy to pretend I was fine, so I started to isolate even more. Gone was the person who was so much fun to be around, the life and soul of the party, and I started questioning if I had ever really been a fun person, or if that version of myself only existed when drinking and partying were involved. I began to really question who I was as a person.

I felt like no one understood me, like I didn’t quite fit anywhere, even though, deep down, I knew that wasn’t the truth, but this was a feeling I always carried in me. My sleep was awful, and the endless overthinking drained me every day. I struggled with setting routines; my body and mind were so tired. What I actually needed was rest, but I never gave myself that.

Little Things That Helped

I started incorporating small things that made a difference, like journaling my thoughts when they felt too heavy and getting outside, even when I didn’t feel like it. I was learning how to soothe my nervous system, even if I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time. Nature quietened my mind, and being near water calmed me more than anything. But I didn’t do enough of these things, because I still found it hard to stick with routines.

Between 2017 and 2019, I shifted my focus to moving home. It became a goal that helped distract me but also gave me space to feel grounded again. Moving back to Ireland after living in Boston for 10 years made me feel at peace again. In 2019, not long after I moved home, I started a course in media production and threw myself into it completely. I was still on my journey, but feeling more myself again.

A New Understanding of Myself

In 2021, I found myself still struggling to regulate my emotions and speak up in difficult situations without shutting down or getting upset. That’s when I started digging even deeper into my patterns. I realised how much of what I was experiencing emotionally had been with me since childhood, I just hadn’t had the words for it until now. I noticed I avoided conflict, struggled to speak up, or sometimes used silence when I didn’t know how to express myself. I tried to understand where these habits had come from and learn healthier ways to deal with my emotions. I also noticed that too much socialising drains me, even if I enjoy it at the time, and that I’m highly sensitive to my environment and emotions, and that’s not a weakness; it’s just something to understand and work with.

In 2022, I enrolled in a master’s course in digital marketing. If I’m honest, part of me did it to prove to myself that I was good enough. I thought if I achieved it, it would finally mean I was enough. I threw myself into it completely, but I noticed something. I couldn’t study like others did. I could only focus if I blocked everything else out. I was still trying to find ways to regulate my nervous system, even though I was doing lots of different things to help.

Find Out I Had ADHD 

That Christmas, my brother, who has ADHD, said to me again, “You should really look into seeing if you have ADHD. ”He saw the traits in me. It wasn’t the first time he’d said it, but I brushed it off, thinking ADHD was something mainly boys had. But not long after that, I saw a flyer about adult ADHD and started to look into it. I had already begun to see myself in the descriptions.

In September 2023, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. I felt a huge sense of relief, but also a deep sadness for not knowing sooner and for feeling like I had lost so many years not fully understanding myself. For so long, I had wondered why certain things affected me so much more than they seemed to affect others. Why I processed situations so differently, suddenly, it all made sense. The overwhelm, the emotional intensity, the overthinking, the struggles with routine and sleep, it all had context.

Letting Go of Perfection

Discovering I had ADHD later in life brought me a sense of understanding and validation for some of the struggles I’d faced over the years, and it is still something I am learning about. It wasn’t the sole cause of my challenges. There were many factors at play, including how I had learnt to navigate the world and the patterns I developed over time.

The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that self-discovery doesn’t have to be about “fixing” yourself. It’s about understanding yourself. And sometimes, it’s okay to just be, you don’t need to keep pushing through things, you don’t need to always be trying to change or improve. Sometimes, resting and just being in the present moment is enough.

Learning to Navigate Emotional Dysregulation

So many things can cause us to be dysregulated emotionally, especially if we were never taught healthy coping mechanisms. I remember my therapist telling me that I was operating at a higher stress level than most people. If I was constantly at a 6, 7 or 8 on the stress scale, even the slightest additional stressor would feel overwhelming because I was already operating at such a high level. Over time, I’ve learned more about the things that help me regulate on a daily basis, figuring out what works for me, what doesn’t. I’ve learned to go easy on myself, practice self-love and self-care daily, and not take everything so seriously.

The Role of Relationships in Self-Awareness

The relationships in my life have been my greatest teachers. I started paying attention to what triggers me and how things come out with others to understand myself better. I realised how much my need for validation, people-pleasing, my fear of speaking up, and my old coping mechanisms like avoidance or using toxic behaviours like giving the silent treatment had been rooted in deeper feelings of not being enough.

Understanding My Reactions and Unlearning Old Patterns

I’ve learned that the way I react isn’t random, it’s linked to past hurt, unspoken needs, and deep patterns I’m still unlearning. Self-discovery now feels less about changing who I am and more about getting to know myself better.

This Journey Takes Time

This journey takes time; it has many phases, and through it, you build strength, resilience, and a deeper understanding of yourself. I am still very much on my journey, but when I look back at how far I have come in 10 years, it's pretty amazing. I have grown and learned so much about myself, and while I still have growing to do, I have learned to give myself praise for how far I have come, something I have never done before.

Coming Out The Other Side

A strange thing happens when you come out the other side of it and start feeling like yourself again, you feel lighter and happier, take things less seriously, and remember who you are. When you reflect on the pain and struggles you’ve been through, it feels like it was someone else enduring that, almost as if it isn’t a part of you anymore. You feel disconnected from the version of yourself that suffered, as you’ve evolved and healed. You will remember it, but it will feel almost like that was in another lifetime.

If you’re on your own journey today and things feel heavy, remember life ebbs and flows, and this too shall pass. Your journey is uniquely yours, and it’s okay not to have everything figured out. Take your time, trust the process, and know that every step forward, no matter how small, is progress. You’re exactly where you need to be, and when you come out the other side, you’ll find yourself stronger, wiser, and more at peace with who you are.

Remember, if you’re struggling with your mental health, emotional wellbeing, or anything discussed in this post, please remember that help is available. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional for support. You are not alone, and there are people ready to listen and assist you.